Chapter 1: The Royal Dating Profile

Henry VIII sat slumped in his throne, drumming his jeweled fingers against the armrest as his advisor Thomas Cromwell approached with yet another stack of marriage proposals.

"Your Majesty," Cromwell began cautiously, "we've received seventeen more portraits of eligible princesses from across Europe, along with detailed accounts of their... qualifications."

"Qualifications!" Henry bellowed, causing several courtiers to jump. "Thomas, my good man, I've had six wives. SIX! At this point, my qualifications should be listed as 'previous experience preferred, ability to keep one's head attached essential.'"

Cromwell shuffled through the paintings nervously. "Perhaps if Your Majesty could articulate exactly what you're looking for in a seventh wife—"

"What I'm looking for, Thomas, is someone who won't make me want to invent new forms of execution! Is that too much to ask? Anne Boleyn argued with everything I said. Catherine Howard was younger than my favorite doublet. Jane Seymore was lovely but died giving me an heir—terribly inconsiderate timing. And don't get me started on Anne of Cleves!"

"About the Cleves situation, Your Majesty, I should mention she's been sending rather cheerful Christmas cards every year since the annulment..."

"She THANKED me for the divorce, Thomas! What kind of woman thanks a king for divorcing her? She said, and I quote, 'Best decision of my life, thanks for the lovely castles!'"

Chapter 2: The Consultation

Dr. Wilhelm von Habsburg, Europe's premier royal marriage counselor, had been summoned to court after Henry's latest outburst about his matrimonial failures. The good doctor sat across from the king, furiously scribbling notes as Henry recounted his relationship history.

"So let me understand, Your Majesty," Dr. Wilhelm said, adjusting his spectacles. "You divorced your first wife because she couldn't produce a male heir, executed the second for alleged adultery, the third died in childbirth, divorced the fourth because her portrait was more flattering than reality, executed the fifth for actual adultery, and the sixth managed to outlive you—I mean, is still happily married to you."

"Catherine Parr is currently hiding in the library," Henry admitted. "She's been there for three weeks. Servants slide food under the door."

"I see. And what do you think is the common factor in these relationship difficulties?"

Henry pondered this seriously. "Bad luck? Astrology? Perhaps I should stop marrying women whose names start with vowels? Three Catherines, two Annes—there's definitely a pattern there."

Dr. Wilhelm cleared his throat. "Your Majesty, have you considered that perhaps the issue might be... your approach to conflict resolution?"

"My approach is perfectly reasonable! Disagree with the king, lose your head. It's a very clear policy. How is that confusing?"

"Well, it does tend to limit the duration of arguments..."

Chapter 3: The Modern Tudor

Thomas More's ghost had been haunting Henry's dreams ever since the execution, offering unsolicited relationship advice from beyond the grave.

"Henry, my old friend," More's specter said, appearing at the foot of the royal bed at 3 AM, "you can't keep solving marital problems with an executioner's axe."

"Thomas! You're dead! Stop giving me advice!"

"Death gives one perspective on these matters. Have you considered couples therapy?"

"What in God's name is couples therapy?"

"Well, it's this newfangled concept where you and your wife sit down with a neutral party and discuss your feelings without anyone losing their head. Literally."

Henry sat up in bed, intrigued despite himself. "You mean like a trial, but nobody gets executed?"

"Exactly! Though I should point out, you'd have to stop creating new laws every time your wife does something you don't like. The 'Disagreeing with the King While Female Act' was a bit excessive, even for you."

"That was a perfectly reasonable piece of legislation!"

More's ghost sighed, a sound like wind through empty armor. "Henry, you made it illegal for your wives to have opinions about dinner. DINNER."

Chapter 4: The Royal Self-Help Book

Inspired by his ghostly counsel, Henry decided to write his own guide to marriage, dictating to a very nervous scribe:

"Chapter One: 'So You're Thinking of Marrying a King: A Survival Guide for Ambitious Women.'"

"Your Majesty," the scribe interrupted timidly, "perhaps we should frame this as advice for other monarchs?"

"Nonsense! This is clearly a guide for potential wives. Chapter Two: 'Understanding Your Husband's Hobbies: Tennis, Jousting, and Occasional Light Treason Trials.'"

The scribe dutifully wrote this down, making a mental note to flee the country as soon as the manuscript was complete.

"Chapter Three: 'Communication is Key: When to Speak, When to Nod, and When to Run to France.' This is excellent material, don't you think?"

"Absolutely riveting, Your Majesty. Shall I include the section about agreeing with the king's theological positions?"

"Oh yes! 'Chapter Four: Supporting Your Husband's Career: From Catholic to Protestant in Six Easy Steps!' And make sure to include my famous quote: 'I am the king! I decide what God thinks!'"

"Historically speaking, Your Majesty, that didn't work out perfectly with the Pope..."

"The Pope doesn't appreciate my innovative approach to theology. Very close-minded fellow."

Chapter 5: The Royal Dating Service

Determined to approach his next marriage scientifically, Henry established the Royal Office of Matrimonial Compatibility, staffed by a team of increasingly panicked courtiers.

"Right," Henry announced to his assembled team, "I want detailed psychological profiles of every eligible woman in Europe. I need to know their opinions on church reform, their stance on royal supremacy, and most importantly, their neck measurements."

"Neck measurements, Your Majesty?" asked a brave courtier.

"For... helmet sizing. Yes. Absolutely for helmet sizing."

The team exchanged worried glances but dutifully began their work. Within a month, they had compiled an extensive database of European nobility, complete with personality assessments and, inexplicably, detailed measurements of various body parts.

"Excellent work!" Henry declared, reviewing the files. "Now, according to this data, Princess Isabella of Portugal enjoys reading, speaks four languages, and has strong opinions about church architecture. NEXT!"

"But Your Majesty, those all seem like positive qualities—"

"Strong opinions, Thomas! We've been through this! Strong opinions lead to arguments, arguments lead to trials, trials lead to... well, you know the rest."

"Perhaps we could find someone with no opinions at all?"

Henry's eyes lit up. "Brilliant! Find me a woman with absolutely no thoughts about anything! A complete intellectual void! This cannot possibly go wrong!"

Chapter 6: The Interview Process

Henry decided to personally interview potential wives, setting up a formal process that resembled a job interview more than courtship.

Princess Margot of Somewhere-or-Other sat nervously across from the king, flanked by a panel of advisors taking notes.

"So, Princess Margot," Henry began, consulting his prepared questions, "how do you feel about my decision to break with Rome?"

"I... I think whatever Your Majesty thinks is correct?"

"Excellent! And your position on the dissolution of the monasteries?"

"The same as Your Majesty's position?"

"Outstanding! Now, this is very important—if I were to say that gravity flows upward and water is actually dry, what would your response be?"

Princess Margot looked confused but answered gamely, "I would... agree completely and ask how I might better support Your Majesty's brilliant observations about reverse gravity?"

Henry slammed his hand on the table triumphantly. "Thomas! We've found her! A woman with absolutely no independent thoughts whatsoever!"

"Congratulations, Your Majesty," Cromwell said weakly. "I'm sure you'll be very... happy together."

"Happy? Thomas, I'll be too bored to execute her! It's the perfect marriage!"

Epilogue: The Royal Wedding That Never Was

As it turned out, Henry's plan to marry someone with no personality whatsoever backfired spectacularly. Princess Margot was so dull that Henry fell asleep during their wedding rehearsal and woke up convinced he was already married to her.

"Your Majesty," Cromwell explained gently, "you were only dreaming. The wedding is tomorrow."

"Thank God," Henry muttered. "I dreamed she agreed with me about everything for sixty years. It was horrible! Thomas, find me someone who will at least occasionally disagree with me about the weather!"

"But Your Majesty, just yesterday you said you wanted someone with no opinions—"

"That was yesterday! Today I want someone with just enough personality to keep me awake during conversations, but not so much that I feel compelled to have them beheaded. Is there a mathematical formula for the perfect amount of disagreeable behavior in a wife?"

And so Henry VIII continued his quest for the perfect wife, never quite realizing that the problem might not be with the women he married, but with his own rather unique approach to matrimony.

Princess Margot, meanwhile, married a nice duke who appreciated her agreeable nature and never once threatened to invent new forms of execution. She sent Henry a very polite thank-you note for the broken engagement, which he kept in his desk drawer and occasionally read when he needed a good laugh.

The Royal Office of Matrimonial Compatibility was quietly disbanded, though some say its detailed files on European nobility were later used by intelligence services for entirely different purposes.

And Thomas More's ghost? He finally stopped appearing in Henry's dreams, though witnesses claim he could sometimes be seen in the castle library, ghostly head tucked under one arm, reading relationship advice books and shaking his ethereal head in dismay.